Troodon: The Dinosauroid That Wasn't.

I often catch a lot of flack for being so interested in dinosaurs. The problem with that is, dinosaurs aren't make-believe creatures...they actually fucking existed! These crazy-looking, sometimes enormous, always fascinating animals once trampled about where you're sitting today, and that's fucking incredible! But the neatest thing about dinosaurs is what most people don't know about them, and I'm here today to talk to you about one of the coolest dinos to ever grace the Earth with their presence.
 
At first glance, Troodon looks almost like your typical theropod, but they were anything but that. These dudes lived during the Late Cretaceous, about 77-65 million years ago, in what is presently known as Western North America, though some species have been found in the plains of Asia. They were small guys, measuring up to 8 feet in length (largest specimens are comparable in size to Deinonychus), and weighed only about 110-140 pounds. Troodon had long, slender hind limbs, which means they probably ran as fast as Kenyans. They also had large, retractable sickle-shaped claws on their second toes, which were raised off the ground when running. In addition, Troodon possessed super large, slightly forward-facing eyes, which gave them some degree of depth perception. Good binocular vision paired with a sickle claw means that these guys were likely predators.

Troodon's name means "wounding tooth", which refers to the serrations found on their pearly chompers. You see, Troodon had teeth unlike other theropods, as they were more similar to those found in herbivorous reptiles. Their jaws met in a broad, U-shaped joint (much like that of an iguana), and their teeth bore large serrations. This suggests that Troodon may have led an omnivorous lifestyle. Finally, a dinosaur who was smart enough to realize you can eat ALL the things!

Oh, did I mention that Troodon was probably one of the smartest dinosaurs to ever have lived?

See, the Encephalization Quotient (EQ) of these dudes may have been low compared to humans, but was six times higher than that of other dinos. This means that Troodon was the smarty pants of the dinosaur world, and likely had their lunch money stolen from them on the playground after getting wedgied by some hadrosaur named Dirk. Because of their astounding brainpower, a fella by the name of Dale Russell came up with the idea that, had Troodon persevered the Cretaceous-Paleogene Extinction Event, it may have evolved into intelligent beings similar in body plan to that of humans. 

Yes, people, these guys could have been the reptilians of lore!

Russell's reasoning for Troodon possibly evolving into a "Dinosauroid" isn't just based on brain case size. Oh, no. He had a plethora of ideas that led him to Troodon's possible evolutionary path. Mr. Russell suggested that an enlarged brain would result in a shortened facial region, and a big-brained noggin would need to be supported over the body, thus making way for a shorter neck and vertical human-like posture. And a vertical posture would mean no more need for a tail! Oh, and birthing these big-headed creatures would mean that this "Dinosauroid" would certainly need to possess a broad, human-like pelvis. And they would definitely need a navel, as a placenta aids in the development of a large brain holder. And since Troodon already had semi-manipulative fingers, capable of grasping and holding things, they were all set on hands. And they'd speak in a sweet birdsong, quietly talking smack about us weird-looking ape creatures.

Science Fiction, meet Real Life.

In reality, Troodon would have probably been as smart as an emu or opossum, and would have likely retained the classic theropod posture. Sooo, they'd essentially look pretty much as they did 65 million years ago. I don't know about you, but I'd totally be down for chillin' with a real-life reptilian any day!

 

Stegosaurus: Giving a Whole New Meaning to the Word "Shingles".

Remember me? I still write about dinosaurs.


You may have noticed that all the dinosaurs I've written about, thus far, have all been from the Cretaceous Period. What gives, right? Luck, really. It just so happens that the rocks which are able to be excavated are dominantly from the Cretaceous, thus really only letting scientists discover dinos from that time period. Today, however, I'm going to talk to you about a famous dinosaur who lived during the Jurassic. And that guy, my friends, is stegosaurus.


Stegosaurus roamed the lands of Western North America 155-150 million years ago, although other stegosaurid specimens have been found as far away as Portugal, Southern India, China, and Southern Africa. These guys really knew how to put their passports to good use! Stegosaurus had a very distinctive and unusual posture, with short forelimbs, a heavily rounded back, and a low-lying head. Oh, and it also had a back lined with huge plates and a tail with four massive spikes on it. No biggie.

 
Stegosaurus means "roof(ed) lizard" and it got that name because, initially, it was believed that its plates laid flat along its back in shingle-like armor. No shit. There were actually scientists back in the day who seriously thought there was a dinosaur who walked around looking like a child's playhouse. Though, I must admit, I'd definitely hang out in a fucking dino shack! Even more hysterical, the spikes on Stegosaurus' tail are actually called "thagomizers". And do you know why they're called such? Because of The Far Side. I'm not even fucking kidding. In 1982, The Far Side featured a cartoon depicting a caveman teaching other fellow cavemen about the Stegosaurus, and said that the spikes were called thagomizers "after the late Thag Simmons." Now, either scientists are either horribly uncreative when naming things, or they have the best senses of humor ever.


Stegosaurus could grow up to 30 feet long, and weighed roughly 6,800 pounds. These fuckers were as big as an elephant and twice as heavy as a car, but had a brain the size of a dog's brain. I mean, I guess if you're an herbivore who just loafs around all day, you can pretty much get away with being the village idiot. And, contrary to popular belief, they did not have a second brain in their ass. Yes, yet another hilarious theory drummed up by some super smart scientist guy. What's kinda neat about Stegosaurus is that, unlike most dinosaurs, they actually possessed cheeks. This provided them room to chew and predigest their food, as well as being able to store more food than the majority of dinosaurs who lacked cheeks. Plus, it enabled them to make silly faces at one another during staring contests.


So, more about the plates and spikes. Stegosaurus had a double row of 17 kite-shaped plates, or scutes, which ran vertically along their spine. The largest plates, found over the hips, measured two feet high by two feet wide. They were made of bony material but were not solid. Instead, they had lattice structures and blood vessels throughout, which could "blush" red in either defense or when courting another sexy Stegosaurus. The end of their tail contained four long spikes, which extended out horizontally. The spikes could grow up to four feet long, thus giving these Jurassic beasts one hell of a defense mechanism, as well as proving themselves as the most punk rock of dinosaurs.

Parasaurolophus!

Do you know what I really love about dinosaurs? That there were so many bizarre-looking species that evolved throughout millions of years. From teensy arms, to mohawk spines, to unbelievable crests, and everything in between, it just fascinates me how diverse dinosaurs really became. 

Science is a creative bitch.

Parasaurolophus may have been one of the most unique-looking dinosaurs to ever roam the planet. These motherfuckers had super long cranial crests, which made them look like walking Dustbusters. Parasaurolophus roamed the woodlands of North America during the Late Cretaceous Period, some 76-73 million years ago. They belonged to a family known as hadrosaurids, which are known best for their "duck-bills" and wonky head ornaments. Despite being a fairly popular dinosaur, Parasaurolophus was actually one of the rarer hadrosaurids, with only three known species discovered from only a few good specimens.

Parasaurolophus measured about 31 feet long, weighed around 4 tons, and had a skull the length of a human (including the crest). Similar to Triceratops, Parasaurolophus had dental batteries. Their skulls housed hundreds of teeth, with only a handful being used at any time. Since Parasaurolophus walked both as a bi-ped and as a quadruped, it got to enjoy an array of tasty foliage. Once their front teeth eroded away from noshing on twigs and pine needles all the damn time, the spare teeth in the back would take their spot, thus creating an endless cycle of musical chairs. 

Parasaurolophus are classified as lambeosaurine hadrosaurids, due to their fancy-pants crests. The name Parasaurolophus means "almost Saurolophus", which is kind of a dig at these poor dudes. Like, they couldn't get a name that was unique to them? They, instead, have to live in infamy as almost another species of dinosaur to which they don't really have much in common. You see, Saurolophus belongs to a sister group of hadrosaurids, known as Saurolophinae, and these guys are known for having solid to no crests at all. So, they were as close to being similar as we are to apes. That's okay, because Parasaurolophus is actually more commonly known as "near crested lizard" because, ya know, that makes sense.

The crests of Parasaurolophus were hollow, with tubes leading from each nostril to the end of the crest, then running back down the crest into the skull. Essentially, this was their nasal cavity placed on top of their head. Science really loves fucking with nature. The large surface area of Parasaurolophus' crest likely allowed for thermoregulation, helping cool the skull & brain. The crests also served as a visual display for each species and sex to be able to identify one another, and is believed to have grown longer with age. Babies had a tiny bump on their noggins, where juveniles displayed a small, rounded crest which grew as individuals reached sexual maturity.

Scientists decided to test out whether or not Parasaurolophus could communicate through their head-noses, and found that the crests did, indeed, create a deep, resonating sound when air gets blasted through them. Since the crests on males were longer than those of females, they were probably capable of creating a louder, longer sound. It's likely that the males would bellow loudest when they were looking for a hot piece of nar-nar, which makes complete sense because what woman doesn't swoon when a dude makes sexy tuba noises at them?

Don't lie, you know you do.

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Tyrannosaurus Rex--The Tyrant Lizard King.

Some of you may have heard of the Tyrannosaurus Rex. You know, the bobble-headed dinosaur with comically teeny arms? And some of you may know that T-Rex was a pretty vicious dude, but just how vicious?
 
This "King of the Tyrant Lizards" wreaked havoc during the Late-Cretaceous Period, throughout what is now western North America. Being one of the largest theropods to ever exist, and standing at around 13ft tall, measuring up to 40ft long, and weighing about 7 tons, T-Rex sat smugly at the top of the food chain.

And don't let the seemingly useless micro arms fool you. Though they were certainly dwarfed by the massive size of this great beast, T-Rex's arms were still about 3ft long and could bench press more than 400lbs, which is three times more powerful than the average human. That's right, Tyrannosaurus Rex would have destroyed any one of you in an arm-wrestling match. So keep on laughing, chucklehead.

It's obvious by now that their arms weren't vestigial, so what the hell were these tiny limbs good for? Primarily, they were useful in grasping and stabilizing their prey. Because no one likes it when their dinner tries to escape them while they're devouring it raw. The arms were also used to push T-Rex off the ground if he fell during combat, which is actually WAY more important than it seems. If they didn't have this leverage, Tyrannosaurus Rex would have likely never survived as a species as they'd be stuck being giant roly-polies, writhing around helplessly on the ground while all the other dinosaurs pointed and laughed. But the hypothesized main purpose of these puny arms was so that T-Rex could enjoy some hot thrusting action. Screw calling it "doggie style", from now on it's going to be "T-Rex style".

You heard it here first, bitches.

So, what was it that made Tyrannosaurus Rex so damn terrifying anyway? His deadly banana teeth. T-Rex came equipped with around 50 teeth the size and shape of a banana, all nestled inside a 4ft long jaw. And that's not even the worst of it! Not only could they consume up to 500lbs of delicious dino in one bite, but they did it with a crushing force of 1,500-3,000lbs. In comparison, humans have a bite force of 175lbs. This means that Tyrannosaurus Rex had a chomping force three times the amount estimated for a great white shark, and 15 times the force of an African lion. Holy shit is right! And it might even get more horrifying...it's speculated that T-Rex might have had infectious saliva. Their tooth serrations may have held onto bacteria-infested carcass meat, making the already deadly bite an even deadlier, infectious bite, much like the Komodo dragon. Wonderful.
 
"But, Courtney, I heard that Tyrannosaurus Rex can't see objects if they're not moving. So if I just stood still, I'd be safe, right?"

Not a fucking chance.

You see, Tyrannosaurus Rex had a binocular range of 55 degrees. What is binocular range, you ask? It's the area that can be viewed by both eyes at one time. So, a wider range would mean better depth perception, and a greater depth perception means a better capacity to distinguish objects that are motionless or camouflaged. And since T-Rex had front-facing eyes set in a narrow skull, which created an overlap in fields of vision, this gave them pretty decent depth perception. Tyrannosaurus Rex could also discern objects 6km (or nearly 4mi) away, while we humans can only see shit 1.6km (or 1mi) away. Not to mention, these dudes had an amazing sense of smell, comparable to that of modern day vultures. So, if you ever crossed paths with this great tyrant, you'd essentially be fucked.
 
And don't even think about running away from this dreadful brute. Despite the fact that T-Rex probably didn't run, and only walked on its toes, he could still traipse about at a speed of 11-25mph. In contrast, the average person runs at a speed of 8mph, meaning that T-Rex could simply Michael Myers chase your ass for a late night snack. So, yeah, regardless of the idea that Tyrannosaurus Rex may have been covered in fuzz like a baby chick, and possessed amusingly minute arms, and had a tendency to tiptoe through the tulips, he certainly wasn't someone you'd want to fuck with. Unless, of course, you wanted to play a little game of "Monkey in the Middle". Cause that shit would be funny as hell.

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Velociraptor VS Deinonychus.

If I asked what your favorite dinosaur was, most of you would likely say "Velociraptor!", and I wouldn't blame you for that as Velociraptors are freaking bad ass. However, if your opinion of the awesomeness of said raptors came from the movie Jurassic Park, I'd have to tell you that you're a fucking idiot. Well, okay, YOU'RE not the idiot...Hollywood is. Though there's no denying that the vicious theropods from Jurassic Park were the best part of the movie, the dinosaurs which were ACTUALLY depicted were Deinonychus. "Dei-who?" you're asking. I'll explain...

You see, Velociraptors were actually the size of a modern day turkey, which is nowhere near as large as the predators presented to us in the movie. These lil guys could grow up to 6ft long (nose to tail), 1.6ft high (at the hip), and weighing up to a staggering 33lbs. All the characters in the movie would have needed was a sturdy broom and they could have simply swept those guys right into that freezer. 

Deinonychus, on the other hand, could grow up to 12ft long, 5-7ft tall, and weigh anywhere from 150-200lbs. Yeah, that seems a little more terrifying of a creature than a turkey which weighs no more than a toddler. 

Both dinosaurs come from the genus known as dromaeosaurs, which means they do share similar characteristics. Dromaeosaurid theropods were bipedal, feathered carnivores who carried a lightly built skull complete with sharp, backwardly curved teeth, and large sickle-shaped claws on the second toe of each foot. The incredibly sharp claw was likely used to tear into or restrain struggling prey, and could probably open a Capri Sun like nobody's business.

So how else do these two terrors differ from each other? Let's start with Velociraptor. This dinosaur lived during the Late-Cretaceous, in what is now known as Mongolia, approximately 75-71 million years ago. There are more than a dozen described fossils of this "Speedy Thief", which is more than any other dromaesaur. They're best identified by their skulls, which grew to nearly 10in long, and had a unique up-curved concave on upper surface and convex on the lower. Their jaws were lined with 26-28 widely-spaced teeth, each more strongly serrated on the back edge. Though these guys were feathered, they were likely not capable of flight due to their size and shortened forelimbs. A plight fellow theropod T-Rex knows all too well.

Deinonychus, while not only being much larger than his cousin, also achieved celebrity status without the help of Steven Spielberg. Deinonychus ("Terrible Claw") lived in the forests of what is now Montana, Wyoming, and Oklahoma during the Cretaceous Period about 115-100 million years ago. They were pack hunters, unlike their previously mentioned relatives, which allowed them to take down much larger dinosaurs as a group so no one was sitting alone at the kiddie's table during Sunday brunch. Their skulls could grow to a length of 16 inches, and had extremely powerful jaws, each equipped with 60-70 curved, blade-like teeth. These fellas weren't nearly as agile as other theropods, and were certainly not as quick on their feet as Jurassic Park made them seem. They were also complete morons, being no smarter than an infant. So, unless you know of any babies who excel at opening doors, there is no way Deinonychus would have ever been able to break into any kitchens to scrounge for late-night snacks.

What Deinonychus DID do was revolutionize the way scientists thought about dinosaurs. You see, some scientists discovered fossils which showed a Deinonychus nesting on top of its eggs. Why was this finding so important, you ask? It shows that Deinonychus probably used body heat transfer as a means of incubating its eggs, much like modern birds do today. This finding led to the idea that dinosaurs were not, in fact, cold-blooded creatures, but were probably mostly warm-blooded. This also led scientists to start comparing bone structure between dinosaurs and birds, which resulted in finding tons of common characteristics between the two. So, even though Velociraptor has all the fame and a much more bad ass of a name, Deinonychus will forever be the one who got us to never look at chickens the same way again.

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Myth-squashing!

Science, like most everything else in the Universe, keeps evolving and, as a result, so does our information regarding the awesome lives of dinosaurs. Between constant technological advances, discovery of new species, and reexamining existing species, what we think we know about these "Great Lizards" becomes extinct...or so it seems.

Let's start with the fact that dinosaurs are not actually lizards.

I know, your mind is blown already.

In reality, they represent a separate group of reptiles who did not exhibit your typical reptilian characteristics. Dinosaurs were all terrestrial creatures, with characteristically upright legs, not splayed postures like crocodiles. This also means that your beloved aquatic reptiles (like Plesiosaurus) and pterosaurs (for example, Pteranodon...otherwise known as Pterodactyl) are not considered dinosaurs. While they all belong to the group known as archosaurs, they are about as related to dinosaurs as we are to kangaroos.

The taxon Dinosauria is made of two groups: Ornithischia ("bird-hipped", which are your horned, armored, and duck-billed dinosaurs) and Saurischia ("lizard-hipped", which are your sauropod and theropod dinos). You wanna guess which group modern birds evolved from? If you said ornithischians, you'd be super fucking wrong. Birds descended from theropods, which includes such favorites as Tyrannosaurus Rex and Velociraptor. You know what else this means? That T-Rex and its theropod buddies were almost all covered with feathers at some stage in their life cycles. That's right...big, scary T-Rex likely sported luscious, bright-colored feathers as it chomped on its dinner. This gives a whole new meaning to the word "fierce".

Dinosaurs were also not the first reptiles to inhabit the Earth. The first reptiles evolved in the late Carboniferous Period, more than 300 million years ago. True dinosaurs didn't pop into the picture until well into the Triassic, some 230 million years ago. Between this period, various forms of archosaurs and synapsids dominated the planet. Where archosaurs eventually split into pterosaurs, crocodilians, and dinosaurs, synapsids are the ancestors of mammals. You read right, mammals lived alongside dinosaurs, and did so for more than 150 million years. Synapsids were small, nocturnal creatures, weighing as little as two grams (freaking adorable, right?) and they remained small until the death of the "Great Lizards" 65 million years ago. Once the mighty, brooding beasts perished, they left a mass of larger niches for animals to fill, thus allowing synapsids to grow in size and in number. 

Wait, you thought dinosaurs were so huge because of different gravity or higher levels of oxygen? You'd be dead fucking wrong...again. Gravity hasn't changed since the time of the dinosaurs, so stop blaming it for things it didn't do! And, despite what you may have heard, the oxygen levels may have actually been lower during the Mesozoic than they are now. So how did so many dinos become so incredibly large? If you read my post on sauropods, you'd know the answer already, ya jerk. Their awesome size is due to special air sacs, which made their skeletons lighter without sacrificing strength. Dinosaurs were also able to reproduce by laying small clutches of eggs all over, which allowed them to avoid the constraints that prevented other land-dwelling animals from getting larger.

Is there still something left of your brain? Well, hold onto your butts...

Did you know that Tyrannosaurus Rex did not, in actuality, live alongside Apatosaurus (known by his stage name, The Dinosaur Formally Known as Brontosaurus)? Not only did these two great beasts live in different regions, they lived in completely different time periods. Apatosaurus lived from about 154-150 million years ago, during the Late-Jurassic, whereas T-Rex lived 67-66 million years ago, during the Late-Cretaceous. This leaves a gap of more than 80 million years between the two, which is 15 million years LONGER than the gap between us and dinosaurs altogether. How in the hell did we ever get the idea that these two frolicked in the fields together in the first place? Probably because "The Land Before Time" wouldn't have been as intense, yet heart-warming, of a story without it.


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Pachycephalosaurus

The clade Pachycephalosauria includes some of the most unique "thick-headed lizards". The most famous dinosaur from this branch is, you guessed it, the Pachycephalosaurus. It's actually pretty fantastic that this dinosaur is so popular, considering only one complete skull and several skull fragments have ever been discovered.

Pachycephalosaurus lived in the forests of North America during the Late Cretaceous, approximately 70-65 million years ago. They measured about 15 feet long and could weigh up to about 1,000 pounds. They were herbivores, noshing on soft plants, seeds, and berries. What really sets these dinosaurs apart from all the others is their distinctive skulls. Pachycephalosaurus skulls were dome-shaped, with bony knobs and short, bony spikes edged along the back. Their skulls could measure up to 10 inches thick, which meant that these dudes had teeny, tiny brains.

It's debated whether or not these boneheads actually used their domes in head-to-head combat, as the bone inside the skulls was actually more spongy than dense. Their necks were also carried in an "S" or "U"-shaped curve, thus proving their vertebrae may have been too fragile to sustain direct head-butting. It's more likely that they flank-butted each other, whacking one another on the sides of the body until one conceded victory.

There have only been adult skulls of Pachycephalosaurus found, thus bringing up the debate that a couple other members of the pachycephalosaur family might not be distinct species, but rather juveniles of the dome-headed adults. These guys are Stygimoloch Spinifer, which means "thorny devil from the river of death" (so metal!), and Dracorex Hogwartsia, meaning "dragon king of Hogwarts".

I am not even shitting you.

Dracorex was, indeed, named in honor of Harry Potter. However, the name did not come from some lonely, middle-aged nerd, but by the innocent minds of children...whom will likely become lonely, middle-aged nerds. Dracorex looked fucking bad ass, too. It had a long muzzle and a flat, dome-less skull which was completely covered in bumps and horns. The only specimens found of Dracorex and Stygimoloch were juveniles, which led to the speculation that they're actually juvenile forms of Pachycephalosaurus. Apparently, as the Pachycephalosaurus aged, it's skull transformed dramatically throughout maturity. This theory would back up the idea that the thick domes of these Mesozoic linebackers were used primarily to signify dominance, winning them the right to mate with the horniest of females.

And you thought "bros" were a new species.



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Triceratops.

You know what my favorite dinosaur was as a kid? The Brontosaurus. Buuuut since the brontosaurus doesn't *really* exist, I'll tell you about my second favorite dinosaur: Triceratops. These rhinoceros-looking creatures roamed the forested river valleys of western North America during the Late Cretaceous. Triceratops were one of the last dinosaurs standing, living up until just before the *BOOM* of the asteroid which sparked the Cretaceous-Tertiary (Cretaceous-Paleogene, for you nit-pickers) extinction event 65.5 million years ago. As you may have noticed, Triceratops are the most easily recognizable creatures out there. They weighed nearly 6 tons, & measured 30ft long and 10ft tall. The adult skulls measured more than 6 feet in length (including the frill), with horns that grew to about 3 feet long. It's speculated that since their skulls were covered in keratin...the same shit your fingernails are made of...that they could have been quite colorful creatures. Many ceratopsians had large frills on their heads, which may have been useful in protecting them while getting their asses kicked, but also in attracting a hot piece of ass. Their frill was much shorter than other ceratopsids, but was still just as effective at getting shit done. There is also evidence of blood vessels running throughout the skulls of Triceratops, which may have helped regulate body temperature (elephants use their large ears in the same manner).
It's been discovered, through a skin impression, that these dudes may have sported bristles covering their neck, back, and tail. These bristles would have looked quite similar to the quills of a porcupine, and are thought to be primitive versions of feathers. Wait...large headpieces, bright colors, and feathers? Triceratops were like the drag queens of the Mesozoic! This makes these guys even more faaaaabulous! Moving on...Triceratops had beak-like mouths with extremely powerful jaws, which were used for chomping on fibrous plants other herbivores would have likely avoided. Their teeth were arranged in groups called batteries, with each battery consisting of about 36-40 columns and three to five teeth stacked per column. Why were their teeth arranged in such a way, you ask? It's because Triceratops had anywhere from 400-800 teeth, all constantly being replenished throughout their lifetime, thus becoming the envy of hockey players everywhere. In recent times, there has been speculation that Triceratops was actually just a juvenile Torosaurus. However, after analyzing 35 samples, it was found that there were many Triceratops specimens who were too old to be juveniles and Torosaurus specimens too young to be adults. Thank goodness, too. You already took one beloved dinosaur from us, science, we'll be damned if you take another!

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Argentinosaurus, the Great Sauropod!

Hi, I’m Courtney Lee and I like dinosaurs. If you’re anything like me, then you like dinosaurs too. I decided to start this blog because everything on the interwebs is always aimed towards children. Adults like dinosaurs and swear words, damnit! That being said, I’m going to take you on a journey through the age of these great creatures, and share with you the lives…and possible secrets…of some of your favorite “Terrible Lizards”.

First things first, dinosaurs existed during the Mesozoic Era, which was a really fucking long time ago. This span of time lasted roughly 180 million years, and is divided into three time periods: the Triassic (250-200 million years ago), the Jurassic (200-145 million years ago), and the Cretaceous (145-66 million years ago). Most of you are only familiar with the name “Jurassic” because of the semi-popular mid-90s movie “Jurassic Park”, but did you know many of the dinosaurs featured in said movie were primarily from the Cretaceous? Bet not.

Which brings me to my favorite dinosaur, the Argentinosaurus. These dudes were sauropod dinosaurs who are, to date, the largest land animal ever discovered. This sucker was roughly 115ft long and weighed about 100 tons, which is pretty damn huge, and surely dominated the Patagonian landscape of the mid-late Cretaceous period. Even the largest carnivorous dinosaur in the world, the Giganotosaurus, was no match for Argentinosaurus. I can only imagine the massive, oaf-like giant endlessly being heckled by the fearsome predator.

G: “Oh look, it’s another Argentinosaurus. Say, how’s the weather up there, sport?”

A: “Cloudy with a chance of ass-whoopin'.”

G: “What got your panties in a bunch? Ya know, I bet you’re reeeaaal good at basketball.”

A: "Says the guy who couldn't hold a ball with those useless sausage arms..."

G: "Shit, the last time I saw you in the woods, I thought the forest had an erection."

A: “You’re such a dick. Scram, why don’t ya?”

G: “Oh, like your salad brain is any match fo…”

A: *thwack* “Whip it…” *thwunk* “…into shape…” *thump*

What really blows my mind about these enormous titanosaurs is that these guys were able to grow so damn big in the first place. As it turns out, being able to swallow large amounts of food without chewing (their teeth were used for stripping leaves off branches), coming equipped with hollow bones (which created an efficient, bird-like respiratory system throughout their elongated necks), and being able to reach food sources without having to expend energy enabled these adorable giants to grow to the sizes they did. Turns out long necks weren't just good for taking cute, angled face shots to post to their OkCupid accounts. Argentinosaurus, as well as all other sauropods, continued to grow in size throughout a span of about 135 million years. This increase in size helped protect them from predators, as well as giving them a leg up when vying for food sources. When you’re consuming roughly 100,000 calories a day, and McDonald’s is still another 85 million years in the future, you need all the vegetation you can get.

Sauropods could also lay 150 eggs per year, thus making lower density living possible. What does this mean? It means they fucked...a lot. Now, I want you to take a minute to think of a female Argentinosaurus getting mounted by a male. Go on, I'll wait. She would have had to be able to support an extra 30 or so tons on her back while mating. This seems a little extreme for a lil bonin' action, but was definitely necessary to guaranteeing survival.

With size, reproduction, and longevity on their side, it really is no wonder sauropods were able to thrive for so long. Shoot, when you’re the largest creature putzing around Earth, the only thing you really have to be worried about is cleaning haters off your toes.