Pachycephalosaurus

The clade Pachycephalosauria includes some of the most unique "thick-headed lizards". The most famous dinosaur from this branch is, you guessed it, the Pachycephalosaurus. It's actually pretty fantastic that this dinosaur is so popular, considering only one complete skull and several skull fragments have ever been discovered.

Pachycephalosaurus lived in the forests of North America during the Late Cretaceous, approximately 70-65 million years ago. They measured about 15 feet long and could weigh up to about 1,000 pounds. They were herbivores, noshing on soft plants, seeds, and berries. What really sets these dinosaurs apart from all the others is their distinctive skulls. Pachycephalosaurus skulls were dome-shaped, with bony knobs and short, bony spikes edged along the back. Their skulls could measure up to 10 inches thick, which meant that these dudes had teeny, tiny brains.

It's debated whether or not these boneheads actually used their domes in head-to-head combat, as the bone inside the skulls was actually more spongy than dense. Their necks were also carried in an "S" or "U"-shaped curve, thus proving their vertebrae may have been too fragile to sustain direct head-butting. It's more likely that they flank-butted each other, whacking one another on the sides of the body until one conceded victory.

There have only been adult skulls of Pachycephalosaurus found, thus bringing up the debate that a couple other members of the pachycephalosaur family might not be distinct species, but rather juveniles of the dome-headed adults. These guys are Stygimoloch Spinifer, which means "thorny devil from the river of death" (so metal!), and Dracorex Hogwartsia, meaning "dragon king of Hogwarts".

I am not even shitting you.

Dracorex was, indeed, named in honor of Harry Potter. However, the name did not come from some lonely, middle-aged nerd, but by the innocent minds of children...whom will likely become lonely, middle-aged nerds. Dracorex looked fucking bad ass, too. It had a long muzzle and a flat, dome-less skull which was completely covered in bumps and horns. The only specimens found of Dracorex and Stygimoloch were juveniles, which led to the speculation that they're actually juvenile forms of Pachycephalosaurus. Apparently, as the Pachycephalosaurus aged, it's skull transformed dramatically throughout maturity. This theory would back up the idea that the thick domes of these Mesozoic linebackers were used primarily to signify dominance, winning them the right to mate with the horniest of females.

And you thought "bros" were a new species.



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Triceratops.

You know what my favorite dinosaur was as a kid? The Brontosaurus. Buuuut since the brontosaurus doesn't *really* exist, I'll tell you about my second favorite dinosaur: Triceratops. These rhinoceros-looking creatures roamed the forested river valleys of western North America during the Late Cretaceous. Triceratops were one of the last dinosaurs standing, living up until just before the *BOOM* of the asteroid which sparked the Cretaceous-Tertiary (Cretaceous-Paleogene, for you nit-pickers) extinction event 65.5 million years ago. As you may have noticed, Triceratops are the most easily recognizable creatures out there. They weighed nearly 6 tons, & measured 30ft long and 10ft tall. The adult skulls measured more than 6 feet in length (including the frill), with horns that grew to about 3 feet long. It's speculated that since their skulls were covered in keratin...the same shit your fingernails are made of...that they could have been quite colorful creatures. Many ceratopsians had large frills on their heads, which may have been useful in protecting them while getting their asses kicked, but also in attracting a hot piece of ass. Their frill was much shorter than other ceratopsids, but was still just as effective at getting shit done. There is also evidence of blood vessels running throughout the skulls of Triceratops, which may have helped regulate body temperature (elephants use their large ears in the same manner).
It's been discovered, through a skin impression, that these dudes may have sported bristles covering their neck, back, and tail. These bristles would have looked quite similar to the quills of a porcupine, and are thought to be primitive versions of feathers. Wait...large headpieces, bright colors, and feathers? Triceratops were like the drag queens of the Mesozoic! This makes these guys even more faaaaabulous! Moving on...Triceratops had beak-like mouths with extremely powerful jaws, which were used for chomping on fibrous plants other herbivores would have likely avoided. Their teeth were arranged in groups called batteries, with each battery consisting of about 36-40 columns and three to five teeth stacked per column. Why were their teeth arranged in such a way, you ask? It's because Triceratops had anywhere from 400-800 teeth, all constantly being replenished throughout their lifetime, thus becoming the envy of hockey players everywhere. In recent times, there has been speculation that Triceratops was actually just a juvenile Torosaurus. However, after analyzing 35 samples, it was found that there were many Triceratops specimens who were too old to be juveniles and Torosaurus specimens too young to be adults. Thank goodness, too. You already took one beloved dinosaur from us, science, we'll be damned if you take another!

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Argentinosaurus, the Great Sauropod!

Hi, I’m Courtney Lee and I like dinosaurs. If you’re anything like me, then you like dinosaurs too. I decided to start this blog because everything on the interwebs is always aimed towards children. Adults like dinosaurs and swear words, damnit! That being said, I’m going to take you on a journey through the age of these great creatures, and share with you the lives…and possible secrets…of some of your favorite “Terrible Lizards”.

First things first, dinosaurs existed during the Mesozoic Era, which was a really fucking long time ago. This span of time lasted roughly 180 million years, and is divided into three time periods: the Triassic (250-200 million years ago), the Jurassic (200-145 million years ago), and the Cretaceous (145-66 million years ago). Most of you are only familiar with the name “Jurassic” because of the semi-popular mid-90s movie “Jurassic Park”, but did you know many of the dinosaurs featured in said movie were primarily from the Cretaceous? Bet not.

Which brings me to my favorite dinosaur, the Argentinosaurus. These dudes were sauropod dinosaurs who are, to date, the largest land animal ever discovered. This sucker was roughly 115ft long and weighed about 100 tons, which is pretty damn huge, and surely dominated the Patagonian landscape of the mid-late Cretaceous period. Even the largest carnivorous dinosaur in the world, the Giganotosaurus, was no match for Argentinosaurus. I can only imagine the massive, oaf-like giant endlessly being heckled by the fearsome predator.

G: “Oh look, it’s another Argentinosaurus. Say, how’s the weather up there, sport?”

A: “Cloudy with a chance of ass-whoopin'.”

G: “What got your panties in a bunch? Ya know, I bet you’re reeeaaal good at basketball.”

A: "Says the guy who couldn't hold a ball with those useless sausage arms..."

G: "Shit, the last time I saw you in the woods, I thought the forest had an erection."

A: “You’re such a dick. Scram, why don’t ya?”

G: “Oh, like your salad brain is any match fo…”

A: *thwack* “Whip it…” *thwunk* “…into shape…” *thump*

What really blows my mind about these enormous titanosaurs is that these guys were able to grow so damn big in the first place. As it turns out, being able to swallow large amounts of food without chewing (their teeth were used for stripping leaves off branches), coming equipped with hollow bones (which created an efficient, bird-like respiratory system throughout their elongated necks), and being able to reach food sources without having to expend energy enabled these adorable giants to grow to the sizes they did. Turns out long necks weren't just good for taking cute, angled face shots to post to their OkCupid accounts. Argentinosaurus, as well as all other sauropods, continued to grow in size throughout a span of about 135 million years. This increase in size helped protect them from predators, as well as giving them a leg up when vying for food sources. When you’re consuming roughly 100,000 calories a day, and McDonald’s is still another 85 million years in the future, you need all the vegetation you can get.

Sauropods could also lay 150 eggs per year, thus making lower density living possible. What does this mean? It means they fucked...a lot. Now, I want you to take a minute to think of a female Argentinosaurus getting mounted by a male. Go on, I'll wait. She would have had to be able to support an extra 30 or so tons on her back while mating. This seems a little extreme for a lil bonin' action, but was definitely necessary to guaranteeing survival.

With size, reproduction, and longevity on their side, it really is no wonder sauropods were able to thrive for so long. Shoot, when you’re the largest creature putzing around Earth, the only thing you really have to be worried about is cleaning haters off your toes.