Hi, I’m Courtney Lee and I like dinosaurs. If you’re anything like me, then you like dinosaurs too. I decided to start this blog because everything on the interwebs is always aimed towards children. Adults like dinosaurs and swear words, damnit! That being said, I’m going to take you on a journey through the age of these great creatures, and share with you the lives…and possible secrets…of some of your favorite “Terrible Lizards”.
First things first, dinosaurs existed during the Mesozoic Era, which was a really fucking long time ago. This span of time lasted roughly 180 million years, and is divided into three time periods: the Triassic (250-200 million years ago), the Jurassic (200-145 million years ago), and the Cretaceous (145-66 million years ago). Most of you are only familiar with the name “Jurassic” because of the semi-popular mid-90s movie “Jurassic Park”, but did you know many of the dinosaurs featured in said movie were primarily from the Cretaceous? Bet not.
Which brings me to my favorite dinosaur, the Argentinosaurus. These dudes were sauropod dinosaurs who are, to date, the largest land animal ever discovered. This sucker was roughly 115ft long and weighed about 100 tons, which is pretty damn huge, and surely dominated the Patagonian landscape of the mid-late Cretaceous period. Even the largest carnivorous dinosaur in the world, the Giganotosaurus, was no match for Argentinosaurus. I can only imagine the massive, oaf-like giant endlessly being heckled by the fearsome predator.
G: “Oh look, it’s another Argentinosaurus. Say, how’s the weather up there, sport?”
A: “Cloudy with a chance of ass-whoopin'.”
G: “What got your panties in a bunch? Ya know, I bet you’re reeeaaal good at basketball.”
A: "Says the guy who couldn't hold a ball with those useless sausage arms..."
G: "Shit, the last time I saw you in the woods, I thought the forest had an erection."
A: “You’re such a dick. Scram, why don’t ya?”
G: “Oh, like your salad brain is any match fo…”
A: *thwack* “Whip it…” *thwunk* “…into shape…” *thump*
What really blows my mind about these enormous titanosaurs is that these guys were able to grow so damn big in the first place. As it turns out, being able to swallow large amounts of food without chewing (their teeth were used for stripping leaves off branches), coming equipped with hollow bones (which created an efficient, bird-like respiratory system throughout their elongated necks), and being able to reach food sources without having to expend energy enabled these adorable giants to grow to the sizes they did. Turns out long necks weren't just good for taking cute, angled face shots to post to their OkCupid accounts. Argentinosaurus, as well as all other sauropods, continued to grow in size throughout a span of about 135 million years. This increase in size helped protect them from predators, as well as giving them a leg up when vying for food sources. When you’re consuming roughly 100,000 calories a day, and McDonald’s is still another 85 million years in the future, you need all the vegetation you can get.
Sauropods could also lay 150 eggs per year, thus making lower density living possible. What does this mean? It means they fucked...a lot. Now, I want you to take a minute to think of a female Argentinosaurus getting mounted by a male. Go on, I'll wait. She would have had to be able to support an extra 30 or so tons on her back while mating. This seems a little extreme for a lil bonin' action, but was definitely necessary to guaranteeing survival.
With size, reproduction, and longevity on their side, it really is no wonder sauropods were able to thrive for so long. Shoot, when you’re the largest creature putzing around Earth, the only thing you really have to be worried about is cleaning haters off your toes.
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